I understand cravings. I have them too, and usually, it isn’t that hard to fulfill them. Want grease? Go get a fast-food burger. Craving comfort food? Head to your local restaurant for some meatloaf. But sometimes, whether on the road or at home, I just make bad choices. Maybe it’s the hunger. Maybe it’s the proximity of the restaurant. Probably, it is just my inability to learn from my own mistakes. To avoid my catastrophic missteps, follow these tips for what not to eat:

Don’t order clam chowder at any place that misspells words purposefully (case in point: Kaptain Kal’s Krazy Krab Kake.) See what I mean?

Don’t get the steak at your 24-hour diner. If you want beef that badly, get a burger, but you are best off just sticking with waffles and eggs.

Don’t order biscuits if they are on a menu at a Chinese restaurant. Better yet, back away from the restaurant completely. The memory of a Kung Pao shrimp-flavored buttermilk biscuit from my youth haunts me to this very day.

Don’t order a salad at a drive-through. The lettuce is always rancid, the tomatoes are translucent, and it is impossible to eat it whilst in a car. If you want something healthy, don’t fool yourself: it’s a road trip. Just suck it up, and get the chicken nuggets

For that matter, don’t order a salad at a random road stop when you are driving cross-country. The dressing will probably give you food poisoning. Please don’t ask how I know that. Just trust me.